Life / May 17, 2019

I Broke A Little This Morning

This morning broke me a little.

As I write this, I’ve finally gotten my toddler down for his nap and am now using my free time to cry into my glass of water (wishing it was wine, but that will have to wait a couple more weeks!), wiping my runny nose on the sleeve of my shirt before peeling it off and throwing it in with the rest of the laundry I just tossed in from the latest poop-tastrophe.

For weeks on end I’ve struggled with pelvis pain, presumably SPD (Symphysis pubis dysfunction). My entire pregnancy I’ve dealt with acid reflux, the sustaining and exacerbated side effect of having hypothyroid medication. I don’t think I’ve had a full nights rest since becoming pregnant between vivid pregnancy dreams, random insomnia wakeups, going pee, back pain, pelvic pain, breast tenderness, congestion, migraines, and coughing fits.

This past weekend I dealt with what can only be described as a scene from Alien, where my baby is kicking and punching for hours on end at all my organs and sending shooting pain into my cervix. It left me in tears and nearly going to the ER, but apparently this is not abnormal according to my doctor. “He is just headbutting your cervix, but at nearly 37 weeks along your body could be getting ready to dilate … this is all normal with baby 2! It could be days or weeks yet still until his arrival,” she said with a smile.

The weekend also left me an emotional mess, Mother’s Day will always be a tough time since my mother’s passing just over 2 years ago. Each holiday I am greeted with the same bittersweet grief. With all I am going through I am wishing I could ask her a hundred questions about her pregnancies, having 6 kids means she must have experienced all of it right?

Today I am STILL sick, finishing week 2 of this illness after having been sick for over a week before that… and about 4 other sicknesses/infections year to date. In February I was sick for a month, going from a wicked viral cold to a sinister sinus infection. My doctors didn’t want me on antibiotics and gave me a nasal steroid. I had the rare reaction to this medication of extreme persistent migraines that left me bedridden. I was barely able to go to the bathroom without crawling across the floor in tears, the migraine sending a million electric shocks through my head that would make me collapse and grit my teeth so hard I was afraid they might break. Sleep did not bring relief as I would be woken with my brain pulsing and the sensation of my eyes being stabbed with hundreds of tiny needles.

Throughout my second trimester I dealt with pinched nerves in my neck, when they came on suddenly it would take a week to get back to normal when including the help of a chiropractor. My head would be stuck at an odd tilt, and shooting pain would shock my neck, back, and head at even the slightest breeze. Luckily, proactive treatment with the chiropractor has helped this during my 3rd trimester. The last month my lower back pain has been consistent, but manageable. Totally normal for a changing pregnant body and shift in balance. It’s not my first rodeo… but somehow this second time around has every symptom magnified x1000.

Yesterday I was resting on the couch after putting Archer down working up the willpower to drag out the 7 bins of laundry to be folded. I was also resting what I assume to be a mild strain to my rib muscle from over doing it playing outside with Archer the day previous (we are very excited about his first season of soccer). And I was probably catching my breath from my latest coughing fit, which leaves me doubled over and clutching my pregnant stomach for fear of muscles tearing or further rib muscle strain (or my belly button flying off, anything could happen at this rate haha). I get up to tackle my to do list and my back has tweaked and I can’t put any weight on my left foot, pain sparking into my spine and left leg. The chiro told me my sacrum went seriously out of line, graciously squeezing me in for yet another emergency appointment (thank you Dr. Hogan!!)

My heart breaks because I can’t pick up my toddler when he asks to be held, carried, or lifted onto my lap. Sometimes I can manage, against advisement from the doctor, but the last couple days I just couldn’t and it weighed so heavy on my heart each time I disappointed him and told him NO. He would cry, or tantrum, and I would be helpless to help him. I know he needs to be a big boy with a baby around the corner, but my heart still aches that he’s not the baby anymore. What if he’s not ready? What if I’m not?

While building a train with his playdo after snack I asked if he wanted to go potty. We are a month into potty training, and in spite of some regressions from him also being sick twice he has been on track and doing really well. His usual toddler self denied the request, shaking his head with a firm “Noooo” and wagging his finger at me. I insist that we try, and as he hops off the chair I see it. It’s escaped his undies and is down his leg and on his feet. It’s on the towel I (luckily) placed on his usual chair. He too realizes the same and is humiliated and distressed. He wants me to pick him up and I can’t. We both waddle to the bathroom and he screams because I can’t pick him up. He screams and tries to climb me the entire time I have him in the tub, sending pain down my back and I yelp and cry and it upsets him even more. After what felt like an excruciating eternity I finally get him clean and out of the tub. I lift him to the change table and nearly drop him— I guess we are fully transitioning to standing on the ground to be dressed after this, I note to myself through my own tears.

I break down sobbing. I hurt EVERYWHERE. I’m EXHAUSTED. But all that aside I have serious MOM GUILT. I feel terrible that he’s crying because I can’t stand and hold him. I feel like a failure for not being able to comfort him the way he needs it. I finally dress him for an early put down for nap (I can’t handle any longer of a wake time at this point and I need a break to have my own meltdwn, which I also feel awful about). I go to pick him up and set him on his feet but he recoils his legs and my back gives out and he tumbles to the floor. We both cry even more.

I grab his favourite giraffe stuffie, Gerry, in hopes of comforting him and we go sit on the rocking chair. He is in an awful mood, understandably, and won’t take his usual place sitting right next to me. I ask what book he wants to read, calming my own sobs and wiping my tears on my shirt. I grab the usual favourite, Green Eggs and Ham. He grabs one we rarely read from the bottom of the stack “Tout Plein De Calins” by Robert Munsch (the original English title is “Hugs”). He crawls up onto my lap and snuggles in, accommodating my massive baby bump. The baby delivers a couple swift blows to my cervix and insides to remind me he is also there, at that exact moment. I wince in pain but push on.

As I read the book the tears come back… but not from frustration or pain. It felt like he picked this book to tell me it’s OKAY. That he still loves me. That all he wants is a ‘Mommy Hug’. I finished the book and looked down and he was falling asleep as I brushed the hair off his forehead. I let him doze a little, considering this may be the last time it happens. I savour these moments.

I’m intimidated by the challenge of adding another child to the mix when I feel like I’m drowning a little some days. A lot of days. I wonder if I’m ready. But maybe we are never really ready for anything… a big test, a career change, a big move, a baby (or two …or six, bless my mother’s heart). Life just happens and we rise to the occasion. And sometimes we fail, a hundred times over. And we cry into our wine glasses (and sometimes they just have water in them), dust ourselves off, and get back up again.

Life’s adventures are in the unexpected, and just because you aren’t ready doesn’t mean it can’t be the journey of a lifetime. Even though I’m on my couch, tear streaks on my face, nose profusely running, baby legs flailing into my organs… I consider this morning a win for the day. Just another adventure in the every day that is my life. I am 9 months pregnant and I need to cut myself some slack.

It may not be a trip to Rome or winning the lottery, but my heart (and hands) are full and I can’t ask for more.

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